Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize