Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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