WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
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