My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
