Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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