a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
