Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
