Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I need moral support for this bender
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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