It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
