we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Drake has all the answers
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
not ubering you a puppy
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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