i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
