he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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