My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Randomize
