I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
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