I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
