i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
