soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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