My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Randomize
