Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
