my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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