Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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