What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
