exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I cut my penus on the lid.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize