Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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