I haven't been this sober since birth.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
