So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
