"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Randomize
