I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
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