weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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