Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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