God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
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