I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
