Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize