In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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