There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
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