Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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