dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
