Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize