I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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