Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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