Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
