So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
