The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Why are your pants in the freezer?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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