It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize