...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
