His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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