so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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