Too much gin, very little bucket
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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