There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
