in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
