Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
