You smell like a Billy Joel song
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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