Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
