life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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