I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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