i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
