it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
