So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize