I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Randomize