I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
