Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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